Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
