At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
