How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
