I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
