omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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