i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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