I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
FUCK WHALES
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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