Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just gift wrapped bread.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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