She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
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i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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