So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
