He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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