He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
