she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
