Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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