You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
