i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
