You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
