Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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