You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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