How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Two words: nipple clamps
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