So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
