I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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