If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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