My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
