I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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