i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
