If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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