I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
