I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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