no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
