Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
