Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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