Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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