Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
