I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
