I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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