eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
