Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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