she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
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I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
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He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
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