you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
