My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
