My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Who died my cat blue again?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
