After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize