Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
