in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
