Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Are we still banned from the library?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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