the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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