i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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