My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
