She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
