and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
