Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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