don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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