Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
