Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
