Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
