I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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