I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
